Choose to Love You

He’s not looking for a reason to leave, but if you continue to let your doubt overpower the feelings that you have for him, he just might. I’ve done this time and time again in relationships; created a scenario in my head, how I imagine him leaving, walking out of my life only to see him years later as a stranger, as a person who looks familiar, but doesn’t feel familiar. I’ve learned that this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

He treats you the way you deserve to be treated, and you’ve waited so long for that to happen. To find someone who loves you for who you are, who sees your flaws as something to embrace rather than to hide, someone who truly wants the best for you, supports you when you’re at your worst, but more importantly at your best, because he loves without envy or jealousy or any other needless behavior that sours your taste of happiness. He brings you happiness rather than depleting the source of it you already have within yourself.

And because he’s everything you’ve ever wanted, you’re scared. You’re scared that if you haven’t already given him a reason to leave he will find one.

And then you begin to convince yourself that he’s searching for one, for a reason to leave you, but it’s you who’s searching. You’re looking for the reason as to why he’s with you. And when you can’t find it, you begin to think of every reason as to why he shouldn’t be. Why he shouldn’t be with you, and why he should be with someone else.

Because every insecurity you could ever imagine, his perfection brings it out of you. You think he’s too good for you, that he could find someone prettier, funnier, smarter, someone who would give him the world even if it meant giving away herself, but that’s what is so beautiful about you. That you’ve found someone you want to give everything to, and you still maintain every part of yourself while doing so.

You’re scared that someone could love you the same way you love them, but he’s not waiting for a reason to leave, he’s waiting for you to accept that he chooses to stay.

He chooses to love you, and he chooses to have you in his life. Everything he does for you, he chooses to. Because people choose who they love, and he chose you.

There you were ...

I saw you today, it was an odd encounter. You were standing in my favorite ice cream shop and you took me by surprise.

I haven’t let you know that I moved here, I haven’t picked up the phone or sent you a text, I knew Calgary was big enough that I likely wouldn’t ever run into you, and then there you were standing in front of me with those big blue eyes that would make the ocean jealous and smile that once made me weak in the knees.

The last time we saw each other we were standing in my apartment on Thanksgiving weekend, and I was holding your hand as I told you I needed space and time, as I told you I needed to find myself and I needed to find myself without you. The last time I saw you I broke your heart. You were my life raft, you were my sanctuary, you were my refuge from the storm and I needed to learn to tread water on my own I allowed you to become too much in my life. I needed you too much.

We had just started dating when I was raped and you jumped on the first flight to see me when I called you in uncontrollable tears; tears that made me feel like I was drowning in my own grief.

You were more than I could ever ask for, you were more than what I wanted. You took a leave of absence from your job to come make sure I was ok, you drove me to therapy, to doctors appointments. You sat with me as I had a blank stare on my face as I looked into outer darkness. You wiped my tears when I would have nightmares and you held my hand when the emotions got too much for me. You assured me often I was going to be ok, you pulled me back from the brink of losing myself.

That Thanksgiving, three months after my raped happened, three months after you put your life on hold to help me heal, I realized I needed to heal on my own. I needed to tread water on my own, I needed to learn to breath on my own again.

Until that moment I never had anyone give up anything for me. I was always the one making sacrifices for everyone else. In that moment it was too much for me, in that moment I needed to learn to save myself.

As soon as you saw me you sprinted towards me, picked me up, spun me around, and looked at me like I was a rare jewel – in the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald “he looked at her in the way all girls want to be looked at by a man”. 

You have so many questions for me and I had so little answers for you.