Come a Little Closer

Hey you, yes you. I see you. Come here, lean in closer.. nope a little closer. There you go. I have a secret to tell you…

I have body dysmorphia.

I hate sounding like a fucking victim. If you know me, I am anything but a victim. I can’t stand my body.

I’ve yet to meet a girl who’s 100% satisfied with the way she looks. It’d be fine if I were just one of those girls who complains about it and then writes it off.

“Ugh, I’m SO fat,” while taking a swig from a beer bottle and scarfing down cookies.

But I’m not that girl.

Everyday my body haunts me; I let my body control my life. I see the beer and cookies and instantly want to go into fetal position. My figure has this strange, mystical power over my soul.

Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder. It can mean different things to different people, and I could supply you with the textbook definition, but it means more to me than just being unhappy with the way I look.

It’s about feeling like a stranger in my own body. I don’t see in me what other people see when they look at me. 

Sometimes, I look down at my toes, hoping a bird’s-eye view will give me a better sense of how I fit into my clothes, how big I am in relation to other people, how much space I take up on your average crowded train. That doesn’t help my cause.

Sitting in the library as I write this stupid paper, I’ve put off for literally weeks, I’m taking turns staring at the laptop screen and looking down at my legs. Those fucking legs. Thinking about the way I look hardly leaves room to think about anything else.

Despite spending nearly every minute of my day ruminating on what I used to look like, or what I want to look like, I have no idea what the hell I actually look like.

I know in the back of my mind I’m not fat. I’m healthy, sure I have a few extra pounds on where I shouldn’t but nobody would ever look at me coming down the street and say “she’s fat!”. 

The mirror is my worst enemy. Sometimes I’ll stand in front of it and scrutinize every little ounce of fat on my body. My reflection in the morning determines whether I’ll get to go out that night. Other times, I’ll go weeks without even looking in a mirror because I’m too ashamed of what I see.

There’s no winning. It’s either a staring contest with myself, or it’s an aversion to facing myself altogether.

When I look in a mirror, I don’t see a whole body. I see only parts — specifically, all the far-from-perfect parts. And those parts aren’t just parts. They’re defects. They’re everything that’s wrong about me, and they minimize everything that’s right about me. My contagious, bubbly personality, my ambition? None of that matters.

My body is flawed, so I am flawed. My entire self-worth revolves around what I look like. I know how sad that is.

Sometimes, I stay cooped up in my apartment an entire weekend, punishing myself for not looking the way I want to look. In fact, this very weekend, I’ve convinced myself I can’t “afford” to go out and gain any more weight.

I’ve lost a ton of people in my life from blowing off plans one too many times. They think I’m self-absorbed — and they aren’t wrong — but I’m also deathly afraid and wildly insecure. This stupid sickness has me strung by the heels and hanging upside down.

I turn down social invitations because I’m afraid of the food, the alcohol, the judge-y, up-and-down looks I imagine coming from everyone in the room.

Anxiety paralyzes me into sitting in my room by myself for days.

I know my friends and family will always love me. But living with body dysmorphia keeps me from letting people in. God forbid someone I like spends one day too long with me and realizes how fucked up I am about food, my body, the way I feel about myself.

One time, my ex called asking me to dinner. I said no. I’d finished my allotted calories for the day by 6 pm, leaving me with two options: I could go to dinner and make up some excuse not to eat, like having the stomach flu, or I could just stay home. Staying home was just easier.

Going to dinner and actually eating dinner wasn’t an option. He didn’t understand, and he never would, even though he was the one who made this demon return.

I hate this world I’ve created for myself. I want to break free. Frustration over it consumes me. Time spent dwelling over my self-imposed problems is time wasted. There are so many more important things happening in the world outside my body.

Training and Nutrition

Your pre-training nutrition is important to top up your energy for the workout ahead, it doesn't matter if that is a short track workout, a long run even a gym weight workout you need to make sure you have proper nutrition while training. 

There are several important considerations for the pre-workout meal:

Hydrate: Drink fluids throughout your day and be sure to drink at least a half liter to a full liter (two to four cups) of fluid starting four hours before your workout. You want to make sure that dehydration doesn't set in. Even being a little dehydrated could have a negative effect on your workout.

Choose carbohydrate rich foods: Carbohydrates should comprise the main part of your pre-training meal. Carbohydrates found in foods such as grains, cereals, breads, fruits and veggies are easy to digest, provide energy for your working muscles and top up your blood sugar.

Small amount of protein 2-4 hours before training: In order to sustain energy and fullness, add a source of protein such as meat, poultry, seafood; peanut butter; yogurt/milk, cottage cheese or eggs. Be cautious with the amount of protein you intake before a workout excessive amounts of protein are not ideal if you only have a short amount of time before your workout since protein is slow to digest and may feel heavy in your stomach or cause cramping or bloating. In taking large amounts of protein before your race wouldn't be a good idea.

Avoid high-fat foods: Fat is very slow to digest and won't top up your muscle fuel. In your pre-training meal skip high-fat foods such as chocolate, chips, fries, greasy burgers, and cream soups. These probably aren't the best for you anyways so my advice is to stay away from these all together as they don't do anything for your body.

Watch high-fiber foods: While small amounts of fiber are ok, be aware that fiber is slow to digest and may cause stomach upset during a workout without enough time to properly digest. My rule of thumb with fiber is the same as protein 2-4 hours before I workout I will intake fiber but any closer and I stear away from it.

Timing before your workout: The less time you have, the smaller the amount of food you should take in. If you have two or more hours before exercising eat a high carbohydrate meal that is low in fat and has a small amount of protein. If you have less than an hour before your workout stick with a small snack that is mostly carbohydrate. Normally I try to eat 6 small meals a day and this helps with my workouts. 

Sample meal ideas for 2 or more hours before training

• Smoothie with fruit, unsweetened juice and yogurt, milk or protein powder.
• Hot/cold cereal, milk/yogurt and fruit.
• Toast, banana, and peanut butter.
• Toast, egg(s) and juice.
• Sports bar - my favorite are Luna Bars or Macrobars and .
• Sandwich with turkey/roast beef/ham and veggies.
• Pasta with tomato sauce and a small amount of meat.
• Chicken noodle or vegetable soup with crackers and flavoured tuna.
• Cottage cheese and canned fruit with a bowl of oatmeal.
• Pasta salad with low-fat dressing, chicken breast and veggies.

Happy Training!!