Time to Heal

It’s been a long time since I posted.. basically over a year.

I’ve gone through so much this past year. Torn ankle ligament, torn meniscus and torn hip flexor - these injuries have thrown a huge wrench in my training; but my biggest wrench occured In July 2014 - when I was sexually assaulted.

It feels freeing to finally admitted it, finally speak it! I don’t think I’ve actually spoken those words officially since the day I met with the investigator. I think I was so afraid to say them because I would fear people would think differently of me, I feared people would look at me like I was broken, fragile, frail. I want you to know I'm not broken but I'm strong. 

I believe being sexually assaulted prevented me from running more than my injuries did. It hurt more than tearing any ligament in my body. It hurt more than breaking any bone. It hurt my heart and soul.

As you runners understand running is mental; you hit a distance and you get a flood of emotion, you feel every hurt, every up, every down, every tinge of pain. Your emotions are heightened. Feeling this prevented me from running anything more than 4 miles. 

I don’t want to get into all the details. I’m still not ready to talk about that nor do I think I ever will be  fully ready.

What I want to discuss is healing, my healing.

I felt so terribly broken. I felt destroyed. I felt violated. I felt that all the goodness in me had been taken away. I felt so unhappy. Yet I hid this away from the everyone, I put a smile on my face daily and continued life as you all know it but deep inside a darkness was taking over my happy place and making me feel worthless, small.

That day I changed, I became a different person. Someone stole a piece of me I’ll never be able to get back. They stole a happiness that lives in me. They stole my self worth.

One year ago I learned that not all people are good people but there is still good people in the world.

These past few weeks I’ve managed to lace up my running shoes more often and I’ve even tackled a 10 mile run.

I’ve decided it's time to get back out there and I'm currently training for a full marathon .. I’m ready to put this past year behind me and get out on the trails again.

My runs have been nothing less than emotional but in the emotion I'm finding joy. In the pain I'm finding relief. I'm finally starting to admit what happened to me and I truly believe admitting it is the first step in moving past it. 

I am getting back to the person I once was. The happy, determined, fun Tiara. 

Finally Learning to Love My Body

I haven't always loved my body. I have suffered from body dysmorphia.

There would be days when I looked into the mirror and I would see huge calves, massive thighs and jumbo arms. I would often make the comment to my family that I had "Tree Trunk Legs". This was only a few months ago.

When I first decided to run the Nike Women's Marathon I was a little worried. My boyfriend asked me the question "Do you feel that you can put your body through this" I have a very supportive boyfriend and he only wants what is best for me. I can be very competitive and this aspect of my life can control me, it can literally throw me back into a rabbit hole of eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

I decided that training for this marathon was something I needed to do. It has been a goal of mine this year to run a marathon and this is my opportunity.

Training for the Nike Women's Marathon has helped me to love my body. That is something I have been waiting 14 years to say. I love what my body can do. When I look back and think about my "sample size body" I realize that it could not run 10km let alone 16.49 miles, like I completed last weekend. It could not do 2 push-ups now I can do TRX push-ups, push-up with feet on a medicine ball and push-ups with a medicine ball.

Training for this marathon has been the best thing I could have ever done for me. It has been therapeutic in a way I didn't know running could be.

I once read "Sometimes I run because I am hurt and other times I hurt because I run". Running has been a body out for me. Times when I feel like not eating I remember that if I don't properly fuel my body I won't get through my mileage and what is more important to me, not eating that yummy quinoa with chicken breast or getting through my mileage. Mileage always comes out on top.

I feel like for the first time in my entire life I am finally beating this. I feel I am gaining control of my own life and it feels amazing. My eating disorder no longer controls me.

Training for and running a marathon isn't for everyone. I know that. I am not telling you all to go out there and train for one. If you do suffer from body dysmorphia or an eating disorder find help and than find an out. Your out might be sewing, knitting, painting, drawing. Whatever it is I am sure it will bring you happiness and joy just like running has brought to me.

I am excited to see how strong my body will become in the next two months, I am excited to start loving my body more and more. 

Thank you Marie Purvis and Nike Women for helping me realize my true potential and helping me realize that this is something I can control rather than have the eating disorder control me.

Happy Training.