Time to Heal

It’s been a long time since I posted.. basically over a year.

I’ve gone through so much this past year. Torn ankle ligament, torn meniscus and torn hip flexor - these injuries have thrown a huge wrench in my training; but my biggest wrench occured In July 2014 - when I was sexually assaulted.

It feels freeing to finally admitted it, finally speak it! I don’t think I’ve actually spoken those words officially since the day I met with the investigator. I think I was so afraid to say them because I would fear people would think differently of me, I feared people would look at me like I was broken, fragile, frail. I want you to know I'm not broken but I'm strong. 

I believe being sexually assaulted prevented me from running more than my injuries did. It hurt more than tearing any ligament in my body. It hurt more than breaking any bone. It hurt my heart and soul.

As you runners understand running is mental; you hit a distance and you get a flood of emotion, you feel every hurt, every up, every down, every tinge of pain. Your emotions are heightened. Feeling this prevented me from running anything more than 4 miles. 

I don’t want to get into all the details. I’m still not ready to talk about that nor do I think I ever will be  fully ready.

What I want to discuss is healing, my healing.

I felt so terribly broken. I felt destroyed. I felt violated. I felt that all the goodness in me had been taken away. I felt so unhappy. Yet I hid this away from the everyone, I put a smile on my face daily and continued life as you all know it but deep inside a darkness was taking over my happy place and making me feel worthless, small.

That day I changed, I became a different person. Someone stole a piece of me I’ll never be able to get back. They stole a happiness that lives in me. They stole my self worth.

One year ago I learned that not all people are good people but there is still good people in the world.

These past few weeks I’ve managed to lace up my running shoes more often and I’ve even tackled a 10 mile run.

I’ve decided it's time to get back out there and I'm currently training for a full marathon .. I’m ready to put this past year behind me and get out on the trails again.

My runs have been nothing less than emotional but in the emotion I'm finding joy. In the pain I'm finding relief. I'm finally starting to admit what happened to me and I truly believe admitting it is the first step in moving past it. 

I am getting back to the person I once was. The happy, determined, fun Tiara. 

Calgary Marathon Recap - I am a Sub 4 Marathoner

So May 26, 2013 came and went, the day I ran the Calgary Marathon.

The week leading up to my marathon I had all kinds of emotions floating around, what if I don’t hit my goal, what if I hit my goal, what if I totally flake out and have to take a DNF, what if I don’t even start! My mind was driving me insane!!

Tuesday I woke up and had a really bad sore throat and cough and I was like oh my gosh this can’t be happening to me right now I cannot be getting sick. I spent the week willing myself to be better.

Saturday I went to bed and I surprisingly slept through the night, well after I managed to fall asleep because I think I spent a good two hours having a coughing attack.

Sunday morning I woke and I was nervous as heck. I was having trouble getting food into me and I could hardly tie my shoe laces because my hands kept shacking and I couldn't stop coughing. I made my way down to the start line and all that was going through my head was one foot in front of the other. I found the 3:30 pace bunny and I decided that if I could keep pace with him I would be make my time goal no problem. As the starting gun went off I said to myself “Tiara focus, this is just a run”! As we passed the first km mark I looked down to see my pace and thought to myself oh my gosh this pace bunny is going wayyyy too fast we are running a 7’48” mile. Everything was going great for me on the run until I hit the very first BIG hill and then things started going terribly wrong my left hamstring started cramping up and I was kicking myself for skipping water stations and I was having trouble breathing through my coughing fits! So I made the decision to stop running through the water stations and walk through them to get Gatorade into me instead of all over me. 

Upon coming up on the 10km mark I looked down at my watch and saw that I had slowed down a great deal and was now running an 8’12” and was not on target to hit my Boston Qualifying time rather I was about 2 minutes off from my target time. Instead of beating myself up I told myself that I still had 32 km’s to make up this time and to keep pushing forward. At the halfway point I looked at my time and I realized that I was 6 minutes off my Boston pace and this caused me to have a little bit of a break down, or a 5 minute cry session. I started crying right there in the middle of the race and almost decided to pull out because I was not going to hit my goal and then somewhere deep down my own voice was yelling at me “Tiara you have this, you are still on pace to run a sub 4 marathon and even better you are still going to set a personal best for yourself” I forced myself to keep running. As my body started to fatigue and as it wanted to give up I told myself keep running you will hit a water station in 3 km’s and you can walk through it but you have to keep running to the next water station.

As I entered Memorial drive my common lunch time running area I had 10km’s left to go and I said to myself “Tiara this is your area, this is where you need to own the race” I knew my legs were sore and I knew I wanted to stop running so I started biting my lip to focus the pain elsewhere and I kept pushing myself. I made it through Memorial and had 3km’s left to go when a TNT coach came up to me grabbed me by the hand and told me I was doing great, I started crying and said “I needed to finish 5 minutes ago to hit my time goal” he said "I know you did but you know what keep running because you are going to PB and that is the most important thing, today wasn’t your day but maybe tomorrow is, there is always another run”. 

As I entered my last two km’s I so badly wanted to just walk the rest of the way and someone from behind me came put her hand on my back and said “I have been chasing you almost the entire way, you are my motivation and my inspiration keep running because you are going to sub 4 this” and all of a sudden I hit a second wind and my legs wanted to move. As I entered the finishing shoot I saw my mom standing there waving at me and cheering me on and I knew I had the drive in me to do a sub 4. As I crossed the finish line I looked at my time and it read 3:57:55 and I was disappointed in myself for not hitting my BQ but also so proud of myself for finishing a marathon in under 4 hours.

As the results rolled in yesterday I realized that I had finished in the top 10 in my division and was even more proud of myself. Top 10 finish in my division is incredible.

One aspect of the Calgary Marathon I loved was that our name was wrote on our bibs so as we were running through the communities and people were out on their lawns cheering us on you would hear a random “Go Tiara” “You got this Tiara” “Run Strong Tiara” and hearing my name it would push me to push harder and faster!! It was great community support and it made me love Calgary even more.

Now it is time to refocus my goals and push to Boston Qualify in Edmonton on August 25. It’ll be my last chance to qualify for Boston for 2014 and I am even more determined now to hit this goal. I have the endurance I know I can run the 26.2 miles now it is time to work on maintaining my speed!

Do you have any advice for me as I start training for Edmonton? Have you qualified for Boston, if so what advice can you give me for race day? Or even for training?

Hope you continue joining me on this wonderful journey to Boston. 

My Marathon Bucket List

Napa Valley Marathon in Calistoga, Calif.

The Napa Valley Marathon has fewer runners than most races—organizers accept only 2,300 racers annually—I better get my registration in right away for this one. The route runs along the Silverado Trail on the east side of the valley, and winds south from Calistoga down to Napa. It is a stunning view, with views of the valley, fruit trees and dormant vineyards flanked with gold-colored mustard flowers. Except for the last stretch into Napa, this is a rural race—just you, the road and wine country. For a girl who loves her wine it would be a perfect buck list race for me.

Paris Marathon in Paris, France

Paris is one of my favorite cities in the world. Some say there’s no better way to see the City of Light than by entering the Paris Marathon—much of the course runs beside the banks of the Seine and past some of the city’s greatest sites the Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame Cathedral, Place de la Bastille - can you imagine running by this famous landmarks!! Between 35,000 and 40,000 racers start on Champs-Élysées and run a winding loop through the city finishing near the Arc de Triomphe. Proving this marathon is quintessentially French, organizers hand out red wine and cheese to runners at the Eiffel Tower, yummy! Not that I would partake it might hinder me. Or maybe I would for the experience of the race.

Boston Marathon in Boston, Mass.

As the oldest and most prestigious race in North America, running in the Boston Marathon is a dream of mine. Racers must qualify with a time from another marathon run in the past year and a half in order to participate, I will be running the Calgary Marathon to qualify. The Patriot’s Day event starts outside of the city in rural Hopkinton and winds through several New England towns until it ends on Boylston Street in the center of the Boston. When I qualify this year I must remember to prepare properly for Heartbreak Hill between miles 20 and 21 because hills tend to kill me and with this being on the last few miles I don't want to not be able to finish because of a hill.

Virgin London Marathon in London, England

The race route passes the most iconic landmarks of England—Big Ben, the Tower of London, the London Eye—and runs along the Thames River and across the Tower Bridge at mile 12. Around 30,000 people run in the London Marathon each year, making it one of the largest in the world. Competitors start at Greenwich Park and zigzag through the city until they cross the finish line at Buckingham Palace, I will wave at the Queen when I am done.

The Great Wall Marathon in Tianjin, China

Visiting the Great Wall of China is on my bucket list  I hear that one should expect the race to take about 50 percent longer to complete than an average marathon due to extreme ascents and descents. The route starts near the village of Huangyaguan, a couple hours northeast of Beijing, and heads straight to the Wall. While going up and down the steps of the centuries-old structure, you can expect stunning 360-degree views of China’s countryside. The course then heads through scenic villages and rice fields before looping back to the Wall again for the final portion of the race.

The Big Five Marathon in Limpopo Province, South Africa

This race is like a marathon and a safari in one and that is what attracts me to it. It’s also one of the toughest, as the entire course ambles through the hills and valleys of Entabeni Game Reserve in the Waterberg district of South Africa, lots of hill training to prepare for this one. The reserve is a privately owned wonderland of wildlife and varied landscape. You’ll be rewarded with up-close views of antelope, giraffes and zebras—one leg of the race even takes runners through lion territory and it will probably be my fastest leg haha.

Athens Classic Marathon in Athens, Greece

I want to run the race where it all started. The marathon begins on an ancient battlefield in the town of Marathon. This course beings Aegean Sea and climbs up towards Athens, about 360 feet above sea level. But running a legendary route that’s more than 2,500 years old would be incredible, especially when you reach the finish line at Panathinaiko Stadium where the first modern Olympic Games were held in 1896, how cool would that be to enter the stadium that people long ago held the first modern Olympics!!

Honolulu Marathon

I j’adore Hawaii it is a beautiful place, the scenery can distract any runner. The course—an ultra-scenic route through Waikiki Beach, Diamond Head and Hawaii Kai—ends at Kapiolani Park, where runners can hobble across the street and jump right in the ocean, and I will be doing just that when I finish. Though the course is gorgeous, the course is also challenging in spots: Diamond Head Road between miles seven and eight rises roughly 120 feet above sea level, rising again a mile from the finish, and crosswinds are known to be a factor. There is no cap on the number of runners and the finish line is kept open until 8:30 P.M., more than 15 hours after the starting gun fires so I can totally make it in 15 hours with the odd dip in the ocean.

NG New York City Marathon

What began in 1970 with 55 out of 127 pioneering runners completing 26.2 miles worth of loops in Central Park has exploded into one of the most revered marathons in the world. Entry is based on a lottery. The course starts on Staten Island and winds its way through all five boroughs, crosses five bridges and ends in Manhattan’s legendary Central Park. Roughly two million spectators line the way cheering madly, and the energy is infectious. It’s a fascinating tour of New York and, like most things done in this town, makes a distinctive statement. What I would give to run in one of the most fashionable cities in the world. I would have to look good running it too, wouldn't want Marc Jacobs or Joe Zee seeing me in nothing but the best running clothes.

Walt Disney Marathon

I love Disney! I always have since I was a little girl. I would love to run the Walt Disney Marathon. I mean seriously it is the happiest place on earth, how could it not be the happiest marathon around. With lots to distract you as you look at Disney as you run by. The Disney Marathon is on the top of my list of marathons to run. Your get to run by the Disney castle and Epcot center.  I would probably dress as a princess and run it.