Feelings, Feel Alive

I’ve spent majority of my life afraid to have feelings; I always thoughts feeling made me weak and I do not like coming off feeling weak. I did anything in the world to run away from my feelings, any feelings at all. You’ll often hear me refer to myself as the least empathetic person in the world because I don’t like to feel. 

I never had the easy life, I won’t get into the specifics, but it involved an abusive father, combination of booze, hard drugs and some not so nice people.

So how did I get through life without falling into the trap so many others in my situation have? I stuffed the relentless panic, the pressing fear and the impenetrable sweeping sensations of violation deep down within a closed-off cell inside of myself, I stopped feeling, anything!

You know what I have come to learn? Avoiding the feelings only made them manifest in different ways: panic attacks, nightmares that made it hard for me to get a restful sleep. 

I would run away from my own fear. I fled from every emotion that worked its way into my life. I would often drink until I blacked out, and I would drown myself in work. I surrounded myself with friends so I never had to face my own scary thoughts when I was alone, I hated being alone.

Numbing works, but only for so long. And sometimes you need a wake-up, sadly mine came in the form of a disaster waking up and not knowing where I was or how I go there. It was the scariest moment of my life, but in that moment I knew I was playing with fire, I was playing with my life. 

I all of a sudden became aware that my life could go in two directions; I could continue to run away from my feelings and possibly die, or I could feel my feelings and stay alive.

I have slowly allowed myself to feel. I am beginning to realize the beauty in feeling feelings.

Feelings are what connect you to yourself. Feelings are what inspire you to fall in love, write in a journal and cry your eyes out in a sad movie.

My life has become significantly better now that I allow myself to have an once of feelings. I know in my heart that feelings can’t kill me.But running away from them can. Feelings aren’t these epic monsters that can kill you. Feelings are feelings. Just that.

Don’t try to escape them. Write it down. Cry about it. Dance it out. Feelings are there to remind you that you are alive. Feelings are a testament to your strength.

When you’re tempted to be numb, remember crying it out won’t kill you but dealing with them head on could save your life. 

Finding Nemo

You would never know this about me but I can be quite the cynical person. Maybe I like my walls, or maybe all those years my mother suffered in abusive relationships made me cold, or maybe being rejected by my father hurts more than I like to admit. I don’t know, I don’t generally psycho analyze myself. 

I used to think love didn’t exist, at least not for me. Sure I would see cute couples and could see they were in love, but love doesn't exist for someone like me. I know, I’ve been in very serious relationships before but I was never in love with them, I loved both of them in very different fashions but I was never in love. I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved and that was ok with me. I was ok with never finding the, you make my heart skip a beat, I stair longly into your eyes type love. 

One of the hardest challenges in my life is feeling unloved! My father left me when I was a baby I didn’t get the chance to know him, he wanted nothing to do with me and I had no choice in the situation. He walked out on my mom when she got pregnant and never looked back. I’ve lived my entire life feeling like I wasn’t deserving of love. I built walls, walls upon walls, upon walls, and then built a moat and more walls! I didn’t want to let anyone see me, see the real me! I feared if they saw the real me they would turn and run the other direction faster then I could say STOP. I built a Tiara that I project on the world. I let people in just enough to seem normal but not enough that I can get hurt. I let them see a little glimpse of who I am but not enough to really know who I am. 

Sometimes the universe likes to slap you in the face. It’s not very nice of the universe but it happens, I know because it is happening to me! 

I met a guy who makes me smile, who makes me laugh uncontrollably and who is climbing my walls and jumping the moat. It’s scary for me but at the same time I feel so safe! He somehow caught a glimpse of Tiara’s soul and he wasn’t terrified to want to explore more. Instead he has told me he wants to know more, he wants to know Tiara. Nobody really truly knows Tiara, she's kind of a mystery. 

I was once told by a very wise person “Your person is not someone that comes into your life peacefully. Your person comes to make you question things, who changes your reality and they will make a mark on your reality. This person will revolutionize your world in a second”. He did this to me! He made me question everything I always knew. He made me question someone being able to love me, he made me question love. 

I am lost in him but it is the kind of lost that’s exactly like being found. 

Who Am I?

I grew up in a little farming town in Southern Alberta. It is mostly known for ranching and Mormons. I loved growing up in a small town, I never feared going to the park on my own or being a typical child. I was the typical tomboy, I was often be found running in the fields and jumping from hay bale to hay bale without a care in the world. I also had the longest hair in the world. It was down past my bum and adults would often tell me how much they loved it! First Nations people’s strength is held in their hair and my mom always kept my hair long and healthy.

At some point when I had finally started grade school I became self conscious of how I looked. I distinctly remember being in grade two and my friend was home sick so I asked two girls if I could play with them at recess. They stopped turned, looked at me and laughed. In that one moment I all of a sudden became self conscious of how I looked. The more bold of the two girls said to me you can’t play with us, we only play with girls who have hair up to their shoulders are friends with us. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to cut my hair. 

I would spent the next 9 years of my life fighting with my mom over the length of my hair. My mom, trying to hold onto what little bit of culture was left in me, would always refuse to let me cut my hair to my shoulders. Me wanting to fit in with the girls around me would fight my mom on the issue. At some point in high school my mom finally got sick of fighting me on issues and decided to let me cut my hair, I had finally confirmed to the girl I wanted to be. 

Recently in one of my English classes I read the novel In Search of April Raintree. As i read this book I realized that I identified with April, a metis girl more then I would like to have admitted. The following post explains  where I really identify with her, “There were two different groups of children that went to the park. One group was the brown-skinned children who looked Cheryl in most way. Some of them even came over to our house with their parents. But they were dirty looking and they dressed in real raggedy clothes. I didn’t care to play with them at all. The other group  was white-skinned, and I used to envy them, especially the girls with blond hair and blue eyes. They seemed so clean and fresh and reminded me of flowers I had seen. Some of them were freckled, but they didn’t seem to mind. To me, I imagined they were rich and lived in big, beautiful houses, and there was so much that I wondered about them. But they didn’t care to play with Cheryl and me. They called us names and bullied us” (Mosionier 14). I spent majority of my life envying the white the girls. I wanted to be like them, to the point of changing who I was -  I wore coloured contacts, I even once dyed my hair blond, I cut my hair short to fit in. Guess what?! None of this made those girls accept me, ever. 

Over the past few years I have recently come to accept myself and love myself. I decided I was no longer going to hide who I was, I was going to embrace who I am. All of who I am, the First Nation’s side, the Newfie side. I have recently even decided to grow my hair back. It’ll never be as long as it once was but I think it’s a step in learning to love every part of me. 

Change, scary or worth it!?

I woke up this morning to the first snowfall. Autumn is my favortie season, it’s the years last smile. The changing colors, the crispness in the air. There is nothing better than autumn. I hate the cold so I despise winter but I do love the first snowfall. I think because it’s a symbol of change, a symbol our Mother Earth like us is in constant change. 

Change, I’ve gone through a crazy amount of change this past year. I lost my job, I tore my meniscus, I came to terms with my rape, I volunteered on the craziest campaign in Alberta history and I went back to school to be a nurse. 

For those of you who know me you’re probably thinking “nursing, really?! You”. Haha, I know I know. The least empathetic person in the world wanted to be a nurse. However, on day one of nursing school I realized that I was in the wrong program. I decided I would switch into Public Policy and start preparing to write the LSAT. Lawyer, sounds more like me. 

I lost my nice job. But it was for the best, I wasn’t learning anything and frankly I was bored! I was a place holder in the company hoping for something better but not doing anything to get something better. I was almost pleased when my boss walked into my office and handed me a severance package. I knew at that point I was being forced to make a change.  Sometimes we change and sometimes change is forced upon us.

What has 2015 taught me?! I know the year isn’t over yet but 2015 taught me so much. It taught me how resilient I am. If someone asked me a year ago if I possessed resilience I would have laughed at them. As i look back on this past year I realized that at points my life was literally left in little pieces on the floor and I picked myself up and put myself back together. Unlike Humpty Dumpty I didn’t need the kings men, I just needed myself. 

For the first time in almost 10 years I spent 2015 single! Why does that word scare people so much. Being single this year was exactly what the doctor ordered. I found Tiara. I found this women who is strong and capable of being so much more than “so and so’s girlfriend” I developed self love and self respect that I was incapable of finding being tied to another human. 

I also learned sad facts about myself. I place self confidence in what I’m doing and not just who I am. I was struggling with self identity after I lost my job “who is Tiara now” then I joined this amazing campaign and I became confident in myself once again. I am learning to balance who I am with that I’m doing. Being a runner, or a swimmer, or working at some fancy firm doesn’t dictate who I am. I dictate who I am. 

I celebrated my 30th birthday. I thought by 30 I would have my life together. I would be married with two beautiful children. I would be the next Kelly Cutrone. Instead I find myself a student, with no children but that doesn’t mean my life isn’t together, it means I’ve decided to follow a different path and that is ok. 

I hope 2016 brings me laughter, hardship and lessons because without life lessons are we really living or just existing. I want to live life! I want to laugh until my sides hurt and cry until my mascara runs. I want to make friends and have crazy experiences. I plan to challenge myself on a consistent basis and become a better person. When I leave 2016 behind I want to know I’ve made a mark on a small portion of the world. 

Election Is Over Time to Run Again

Many of you have asked me what I’ve been up to the past few months. You’ve noticed my running post have decreased in number and you’ve seen more and more pictures of me knocking doors in red. 

My mom has always loved the Liberal Party and back in 2004 she got me involved with Gerry Byrne, the former MP in Corner Brook, Newfoundland. On that day politics stole my heart, I knew I would never be a girl who didn’t vote. 

This July I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting a zealous person by the name of Matt Grant! Upon our first meeting I was instantly hooked. Matt is dedicated, hardworking and incredibly focused. He has great ambitions and I’m forever thankful I was able to have a small part of them. 

I started knocking on doors with Matt before the writ dropped, we all knew it was coming it was only a matter of when. He instantly made me feel like a welcomed member of the team. Majority of my life I struggled to fit in with groups of people, I often felt ostracized because of my ethnic background but I never once felt nothing less than a team member around the Matt Grant team.

As a team we worked hard everyday and on the days I felt tired, cranky or like I no longer wanted to be out knocking doors Matt’s infectious energy gripped me and made me push harder for a better Canada. I am forever grateful that Canada has people who desire to make a difference.

Matt has changed the lives of so many people, he’ll continue to do so. I am so sad this crazy ride is over but in a few years when Matt decides to do this again again you can bet I’ll be there by his side, knocking doors with a smile on my face. Until that time comes there will be a lot of running post from me again. 

Time to Heal

It’s been a long time since I posted.. basically over a year.

I’ve gone through so much this past year. Torn ankle ligament, torn meniscus and torn hip flexor - these injuries have thrown a huge wrench in my training; but my biggest wrench occured In July 2014 - when I was sexually assaulted.

It feels freeing to finally admitted it, finally speak it! I don’t think I’ve actually spoken those words officially since the day I met with the investigator. I think I was so afraid to say them because I would fear people would think differently of me, I feared people would look at me like I was broken, fragile, frail. I want you to know I'm not broken but I'm strong. 

I believe being sexually assaulted prevented me from running more than my injuries did. It hurt more than tearing any ligament in my body. It hurt more than breaking any bone. It hurt my heart and soul.

As you runners understand running is mental; you hit a distance and you get a flood of emotion, you feel every hurt, every up, every down, every tinge of pain. Your emotions are heightened. Feeling this prevented me from running anything more than 4 miles. 

I don’t want to get into all the details. I’m still not ready to talk about that nor do I think I ever will be  fully ready.

What I want to discuss is healing, my healing.

I felt so terribly broken. I felt destroyed. I felt violated. I felt that all the goodness in me had been taken away. I felt so unhappy. Yet I hid this away from the everyone, I put a smile on my face daily and continued life as you all know it but deep inside a darkness was taking over my happy place and making me feel worthless, small.

That day I changed, I became a different person. Someone stole a piece of me I’ll never be able to get back. They stole a happiness that lives in me. They stole my self worth.

One year ago I learned that not all people are good people but there is still good people in the world.

These past few weeks I’ve managed to lace up my running shoes more often and I’ve even tackled a 10 mile run.

I’ve decided it's time to get back out there and I'm currently training for a full marathon .. I’m ready to put this past year behind me and get out on the trails again.

My runs have been nothing less than emotional but in the emotion I'm finding joy. In the pain I'm finding relief. I'm finally starting to admit what happened to me and I truly believe admitting it is the first step in moving past it. 

I am getting back to the person I once was. The happy, determined, fun Tiara. 

16 Things Every Runner Knows is True

1. Waking up early enough to run before work to beat the heat is essential. Otherwise if you tan like me you look like a long lost Cosby sibling by July.

2. Not everyone likes to race, I love to race but there’s only one way to find out if you’re the kind of person who likes running races: sign up for one.

3. The smallest blister can ruin your whole run.

4. Colorful shoes don’t actually make you faster — but they sure as feel like they do.

5. You’re only going to want to talk about running. Better find runner friends before everyone else hates you.

6. Runger is real. Runger is vicious. Sometimes the only way to survive is to give in.

7. If you’re doing this to be model thin, you’re never going to get there. Doing this for muscles, however, is a nice side effect.

8. Nobody else cares how fast or slow you’re going.

9. Even if you’ve been running for years, every once in a while there’s just going to be a run that blows.

10. If you take a few weeks or even a few months off, getting back in the groove of things is going to feel like the toughest thing you've ever done. 

11. Winter running is possible. 

12. Where all the public restrooms are in any given vicinity. Someone can say let's run in this part of the city and I have to figure out where all the bathrooms are. 

13. How to deal with black toenails, muscle cramps, shin splints, thigh chafe, and everything else in between.

14. The magic union that is finding the right shoe for you — and the utter betrayal you feel when the manufacturer either discontinues it or changes its design.

15. How strangely, the fitter you get, the harder it is to find jeans that fit right. My legs get small and I can only find jeans in teenage stores.

16. And often, the hardest part of a run is lacing up and getting out of the door. Once you have your headphones in and your music on, everything else falls into place.