Friday, November 20, 2015


I used to think I was abnormal because I was afraid to find love, maybe it’s because I never saw what love looked liked, I didn’t know that love existed and I really enjoy my independence — the ability to do what I want when I want and never have to check in with another person. I grew up too fast for my own good. It is what happens when you grow up in an abusive home. 

It’s an ongoing internal battle between wanting to find that special person and not wanting to compromise my independence. 

Finding balance has never been my strong point, I tend to be all in or all out. Balance is essential to growth. It’s about attaining a level of comfort that doesn’t cause me to be stifled.

For me, my twenties were a constant, tumultuous conflict. Desiring companionship but not wanting to feel smothered. Pulling people in just to push them away!.

I thought I was in a place where I genuinely felt ready to find my person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. But I wasn’t.. oh boy I really wasn’t! I was going through so much. Fighting an eating disorder, battling self doubt. Coming to terms with my majorly failed relationship! 

Then he walked into my life, he was everything I thought I wanted. Tall, athletic, broody - all the girls loved him and all the guys wanted to be him. We had been introduced by friends and he picked me to be his girlfriend, me! He could have had anyone and he wanted me. Being the self conscious girl I was I jumped at the opportunity. 

The next three years of my life became HELL! I cried everyday, for a girl who lacks tear ducts this was really hard on me. The eating disorder I had fought so hard to get control over was furiously taking over again. I woke up every single day feeling less then worthless. I would spend three years of my life never feeling enough. He isolated me from my family and friends. He took away my independence. He took away my self worth.

Those three years taught me that it’s important to be completely solid in your understanding of yourself as a human being before letting someone else into your world because nobody except you can make your world complete. Nobody but Tiara can make Tiara whole.  

I fear give up my independence, I fear giving up me. I fear losing myself. 

I’d like to have that person who makes all of the hardships of being single seem worth it.
I do want a partner in crime; the peanut butter to my jelly; the fruit to my loop.

At the same time, I don’t want to stop being independent. I don’t want to become reliant on another person.

True love is finding someone who is your equal, not your crutch.

As I look back on my last relationship we didn’t really love each other. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy the other day and Callie says “You didn’t love her you just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, she was just good for your ego. Or, maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her because you don’t destroy people you love”. Everyday he destroyed me. 

I’ve rebuilt myself from the rubble I was left with. A friend looked at me the other day and said you are so much stronger then you once were, you are a phoenix. 

I want to share my dreams, but I don’t want to give them up. I’m don’t want to give up what I’ve envisioned for myself.  I don’t want to compromise or settle for anything other than what I’ve always wanted.

I want someone to cuddle with, but I don’t want to spend all my time at home. I love the idea of having someone to hold me in the dead of the night. I want someone to keep me warm. I want to lay on your chest and breath you in, content and utterly at peace. 

I want to settle down, but I don’t want to become boring.

I might actually be at a place in my life where I am ready to tie myself to another person. At the same time, I am immeasurably terrified of becoming boring.

If I’m going to find love and finally make a commitment, I want it to make me a better version of myself.

The idea of becoming less representative of myself is enough to make me want to throw out the idea of true love forever.

I want to be a wife, but I also want to be a CEO.

I want to get married, but I, personally, will not be fulfilled as a homemaker. I have dreams of running the world, and I cannot allow another person to quell that vision.

I want to plan my life around someone, but I don’t want to change my plans. I want to find someone who will make plans with me; someone who will travel the world with me; someone who will make my life better simply by being in it. I have plans; I have a vision of my life over the years. I can for the FIRST time in my life imagine altering that plan, to fit you in. Because somehow you just seem to fit.

I want someone to join me on this crazy, beautiful journey of life.

I want to love, but I don’t want to stop loving myself. I can’t do that again. The most terrifying aspect of finding love is the fear of losing the love I have for myself. I’m so sure of myself. I’m proud of myself. I know my single self like the back of my hand. I built myself from ashes.

What I love most about you, is you in a short period of time have helped my self love grow! You have been supportive, you have been more then I could of ever wished for, ever hoped for. You are the puzzle piece that you didn't know was missing but all of a sudden the picture seems clear - this scares me. 

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