Finding Nemo

You would never know this about me but I can be quite the cynical person. Maybe I like my walls, or maybe all those years my mother suffered in abusive relationships made me cold, or maybe being rejected by my father hurts more than I like to admit. I don’t know, I don’t generally psycho analyze myself. 

I used to think love didn’t exist, at least not for me. Sure I would see cute couples and could see they were in love, but love doesn't exist for someone like me. I know, I’ve been in very serious relationships before but I was never in love with them, I loved both of them in very different fashions but I was never in love. I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved and that was ok with me. I was ok with never finding the, you make my heart skip a beat, I stair longly into your eyes type love. 

One of the hardest challenges in my life is feeling unloved! My father left me when I was a baby I didn’t get the chance to know him, he wanted nothing to do with me and I had no choice in the situation. He walked out on my mom when she got pregnant and never looked back. I’ve lived my entire life feeling like I wasn’t deserving of love. I built walls, walls upon walls, upon walls, and then built a moat and more walls! I didn’t want to let anyone see me, see the real me! I feared if they saw the real me they would turn and run the other direction faster then I could say STOP. I built a Tiara that I project on the world. I let people in just enough to seem normal but not enough that I can get hurt. I let them see a little glimpse of who I am but not enough to really know who I am. 

Sometimes the universe likes to slap you in the face. It’s not very nice of the universe but it happens, I know because it is happening to me! 

I met a guy who makes me smile, who makes me laugh uncontrollably and who is climbing my walls and jumping the moat. It’s scary for me but at the same time I feel so safe! He somehow caught a glimpse of Tiara’s soul and he wasn’t terrified to want to explore more. Instead he has told me he wants to know more, he wants to know Tiara. Nobody really truly knows Tiara, she's kind of a mystery. 

I was once told by a very wise person “Your person is not someone that comes into your life peacefully. Your person comes to make you question things, who changes your reality and they will make a mark on your reality. This person will revolutionize your world in a second”. He did this to me! He made me question everything I always knew. He made me question someone being able to love me, he made me question love. 

I am lost in him but it is the kind of lost that’s exactly like being found.