Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Change, scary or worth it!?

I woke up this morning to the first snowfall. Autumn is my favortie season, it’s the years last smile. The changing colors, the crispness in the air. There is nothing better than autumn. I hate the cold so I despise winter but I do love the first snowfall. I think because it’s a symbol of change, a symbol our Mother Earth like us is in constant change. 

Change, I’ve gone through a crazy amount of change this past year. I lost my job, I tore my meniscus, I came to terms with my rape, I volunteered on the craziest campaign in Alberta history and I went back to school to be a nurse. 

For those of you who know me you’re probably thinking “nursing, really?! You”. Haha, I know I know. The least empathetic person in the world wanted to be a nurse. However, on day one of nursing school I realized that I was in the wrong program. I decided I would switch into Public Policy and start preparing to write the LSAT. Lawyer, sounds more like me. 

I lost my nice job. But it was for the best, I wasn’t learning anything and frankly I was bored! I was a place holder in the company hoping for something better but not doing anything to get something better. I was almost pleased when my boss walked into my office and handed me a severance package. I knew at that point I was being forced to make a change.  Sometimes we change and sometimes change is forced upon us.

What has 2015 taught me?! I know the year isn’t over yet but 2015 taught me so much. It taught me how resilient I am. If someone asked me a year ago if I possessed resilience I would have laughed at them. As i look back on this past year I realized that at points my life was literally left in little pieces on the floor and I picked myself up and put myself back together. Unlike Humpty Dumpty I didn’t need the kings men, I just needed myself. 

For the first time in almost 10 years I spent 2015 single! Why does that word scare people so much. Being single this year was exactly what the doctor ordered. I found Tiara. I found this women who is strong and capable of being so much more than “so and so’s girlfriend” I developed self love and self respect that I was incapable of finding being tied to another human. 

I also learned sad facts about myself. I place self confidence in what I’m doing and not just who I am. I was struggling with self identity after I lost my job “who is Tiara now” then I joined this amazing campaign and I became confident in myself once again. I am learning to balance who I am with that I’m doing. Being a runner, or a swimmer, or working at some fancy firm doesn’t dictate who I am. I dictate who I am. 

I celebrated my 30th birthday. I thought by 30 I would have my life together. I would be married with two beautiful children. I would be the next Kelly Cutrone. Instead I find myself a student, with no children but that doesn’t mean my life isn’t together, it means I’ve decided to follow a different path and that is ok. 

I hope 2016 brings me laughter, hardship and lessons because without life lessons are we really living or just existing. I want to live life! I want to laugh until my sides hurt and cry until my mascara runs. I want to make friends and have crazy experiences. I plan to challenge myself on a consistent basis and become a better person. When I leave 2016 behind I want to know I’ve made a mark on a small portion of the world. 

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