I’ve spent majority of my life afraid to have feelings; I always thoughts feeling made me weak and I do not like coming off feeling weak. I did anything in the world to run away from my feelings, any feelings at all. You’ll often hear me refer to myself as the least empathetic person in the world because I don’t like to feel.
I never had the easy life, I won’t get into the specifics, but it involved an abusive father, combination of booze, hard drugs and some not so nice people.
So how did I get through life without falling into the trap so many others in my situation have? I stuffed the relentless panic, the pressing fear and the impenetrable sweeping sensations of violation deep down within a closed-off cell inside of myself, I stopped feeling, anything!
You know what I have come to learn? Avoiding the feelings only made them manifest in different ways: panic attacks, nightmares that made it hard for me to get a restful sleep.
I would run away from my own fear. I fled from every emotion that worked its way into my life. I would often drink until I blacked out, and I would drown myself in work. I surrounded myself with friends so I never had to face my own scary thoughts when I was alone, I hated being alone.
Numbing works, but only for so long. And sometimes you need a wake-up, sadly mine came in the form of a disaster waking up and not knowing where I was or how I go there. It was the scariest moment of my life, but in that moment I knew I was playing with fire, I was playing with my life.
I all of a sudden became aware that my life could go in two directions; I could continue to run away from my feelings and possibly die, or I could feel my feelings and stay alive.
I have slowly allowed myself to feel. I am beginning to realize the beauty in feeling feelings.
Feelings are what connect you to yourself. Feelings are what inspire you to fall in love, write in a journal and cry your eyes out in a sad movie.
My life has become significantly better now that I allow myself to have an once of feelings. I know in my heart that feelings can’t kill me.But running away from them can. Feelings aren’t these epic monsters that can kill you. Feelings are feelings. Just that.
Don’t try to escape them. Write it down. Cry about it. Dance it out. Feelings are there to remind you that you are alive. Feelings are a testament to your strength.
When you’re tempted to be numb, remember crying it out won’t kill you but dealing with them head on could save your life.