Time to Heal

It’s been a long time since I posted.. basically over a year.

I’ve gone through so much this past year. Torn ankle ligament, torn meniscus and torn hip flexor - these injuries have thrown a huge wrench in my training; but my biggest wrench occured In July 2014 - when I was sexually assaulted.

It feels freeing to finally admitted it, finally speak it! I don’t think I’ve actually spoken those words officially since the day I met with the investigator. I think I was so afraid to say them because I would fear people would think differently of me, I feared people would look at me like I was broken, fragile, frail. I want you to know I'm not broken but I'm strong. 

I believe being sexually assaulted prevented me from running more than my injuries did. It hurt more than tearing any ligament in my body. It hurt more than breaking any bone. It hurt my heart and soul.

As you runners understand running is mental; you hit a distance and you get a flood of emotion, you feel every hurt, every up, every down, every tinge of pain. Your emotions are heightened. Feeling this prevented me from running anything more than 4 miles. 

I don’t want to get into all the details. I’m still not ready to talk about that nor do I think I ever will be  fully ready.

What I want to discuss is healing, my healing.

I felt so terribly broken. I felt destroyed. I felt violated. I felt that all the goodness in me had been taken away. I felt so unhappy. Yet I hid this away from the everyone, I put a smile on my face daily and continued life as you all know it but deep inside a darkness was taking over my happy place and making me feel worthless, small.

That day I changed, I became a different person. Someone stole a piece of me I’ll never be able to get back. They stole a happiness that lives in me. They stole my self worth.

One year ago I learned that not all people are good people but there is still good people in the world.

These past few weeks I’ve managed to lace up my running shoes more often and I’ve even tackled a 10 mile run.

I’ve decided it's time to get back out there and I'm currently training for a full marathon .. I’m ready to put this past year behind me and get out on the trails again.

My runs have been nothing less than emotional but in the emotion I'm finding joy. In the pain I'm finding relief. I'm finally starting to admit what happened to me and I truly believe admitting it is the first step in moving past it. 

I am getting back to the person I once was. The happy, determined, fun Tiara. 

Greatness is Within...

I have injured myself… again. It is confirmed that I have a tear in my right calf muscle. How bad the tear is we are not yet 100% sure I still need to go for a diagnostic ultrasound so they can see the damage I have done.

In the last 24 hours I have felt a variety of emotions from sadness to anger and then to fear. Last night I was sitting on my couch crying and saying to Mike “Why do I have to strive for greatness, why can’t I just be happy with completing a marathon why is it that I want to train to Boston qualify and to obtain elite status”! I can’t really answer that all I know is I was born with the overachiever gene and I never do anything halfhearted, it is all or nothing.

I tweeted earlier today “There is no injury in mediocrity, why can't I settle for being less than great”, and than I received a tweet from @TheLostGrad “Ain’t no injuries, but there damn sure ain’t no Glory either!!” It was this that made me realize how much of a wimp I am being. Yes I have an injury, is it the end of the world, NO!!

I thought back to Nike’s Find Greatness campaign along with a commercial that was aired at the Olympics this last summer  and they made me realize that setback happen, obstacles jump in our way but it how we overcome those obstacles and setbacks that prove if we are truly great or not.

"Now here's the reality of it. You don't want to be walking off with any regrets. 

Be annoyed. Go cry. You're on the line between breaking point and breaking through.

In struggle, you'll find strength. 

Now get over that line! Dig for that extra inch!

Take the best you can do! And do better! 

Every second is a moment in time. But this second is a moment in history."

Last night I felt like my dream to run was Boston was slipping out of my hands. I felt like throwing in the towel and giving up. This morning brought me a fresh new prospective. I might be out for a few weeks I might lose a little bit of my endurance in the short run but in the long run I am going to come back and I am going to come back stronger and faster than ever because there is greatness inside of me and I am not going to allow a little injury get in my way of qualifying for Boston.

I have given myself an hour to grieve over my lost training and my calf and now I am ready to fight, ready to do everything in my power to heal and come back strong.

I have to change up my training a little bit. My physio said once I am healed I will have to reduce mileage and speed for a period of time until I am back to normal but my physio is amazing and has always gotten me back on my feet in better condition than before I started seeing him.

Today I found greatness within myself, greatness that was always there but I didn’t realize was there, today I am a stronger person than I was yesterday.

Speed Work Makes Me Fast

Lately I have been getting people asking me the question “Tiara, how do you run so fast? or Tiara teach me to run fast like you” and I like to tell them I put one foot in front of the other.

I have not always been a fast runner. Remember my marathon that took me 4:35:27 to complete, I wasn’t a fast run, however it was my first marathon.

I remember when I was in elementary and I lived in this little town and everyone was super athletic oriented, we were learning track and field in elementary. I did the 400m sprint and came in well ahead of everyone it was a shining moment for me and I remember people telling my parents that I was a rabbit.

I have always been an endurance athlete, even when I swam my favorite distance was the 1,500 meter but I loved anything over 400 meters and I did well at them.

I decided to blog about this since I get asked this question more than anything else. I do a lot of speed work – this includes intervals, track workouts and tempo runs.

When I do intervals I use the Nike Boom app it is seriously amazing. You set how long you want your run to be and how long you want your interval to be. When I started getting wanting to get faster I would set it at 30 seconds. At first I did intervals on the treadmill and I would set the treadmill to a comfortable run pace for me - that is now 8.5 and I would run at this for 1:30 than for 30 seconds I will go up to 11 on the treadmill. That is what I did to start. Now when I try working on my speed I do it by song. I turn on my headphones and I get on the treadmill for 1 song run comfortable and for a song I run 11 this has really helped me get out of my comfort zone and start running at those faster paces.

Track workouts are also great for increasing speed. I have found a track and to start I would do 400 meter sprint and a 400 meter recovery, so two times around the track, than I would do 800 meter sprints and 400 meter recovery, now I am working on doing a mile sprints and 600 meter recovery. You should be running these uncomfortable for your sprint. When I am done my sprint I am huffing and puffing and want to fall over my abs hurt and sometimes I want to vomit. I grab my water take a few sips do a recovery and I go again. These are amazing and will really help you increase your speed if you do them right.

When I was training for Nike Women’s Marathon tempo runs were my enemy I hated them!! Now they are more like a frenemie. I know how good they are for me but they still make me work. I usually like to run tempos on 4 miles and above run. Always start with a mile warm up and a mile cool down, so if you are planning on doing 4 mile tempo than you are really running 6 miles. Tempos should be ran uncomfortable. A good test to tell if you are running them hard enough is to try and sing the song you are listening to. If you can only get a few words in each sentence out than you are running the tempo correctly, but if you can sing the whole song no problem than you need to push yourself harder. You don’t want to run these at a sprint but you want to run them at an uncomfortable pace. These will really help your body feel what it is like to run faster and eventually they will get easier, when they do you need to push harder.

These are what I do to help myself get faster. I have a goal to run the Nike Women’s marathon at a sub 6 mile. We will see if that happens but that is what my goal is.

I also believe the key to running faster is to listen to your body and know when to slow down and when to go faster. The problem with running faster is that you have the potential to get injured. I have a great physio and massage therapist that I relay on to keep me injury free. My massage therapist massages out all the knots in my muscles using a fascia technique and the physio uses his magic such as laser therapy, ultra sound and electronic therapy to keep my leg muscles in tip top shape and out of injury. For me the first sign of something wrong I call my physio and get right into his office because if my body is signaling it is not right than I do not want to push it and risk injury.

My physio has also said to me that my speed could also be genetic, this is true but I think my next marathon will tell the truth of this. 

Genetics or not if you don’t put in the work you will not get faster. The desire to prepare always beats out talent when talent refuses to prepare.

Ignite~Perspire~Inspire

Day 13 - 30 Day Challenge

Have you ever been injured because of running? How?

Yes!! I have and they suck because they can bring setbacks to your training.

In May 2012 at the Mother's Day 10km I got planters fasciitis. Literally it came a week after Nike Women contact me about being a Nike Women’s ambassador. Lucky for me I found an amazing chiro and he really helped heal me. He taught me that injuries come from an imbalance in the body.

You might think you just have an injury in your foot but it is actually stemming from somewhere else in your body, like your calves, knees and hips.

He was the one who got me into rolling out almost nightly. Sometimes I am not the best at it, but I try to stay on top of rolling my muscles out. I know it is important to give my muscles love since I put them through so much on a daily basis.

My chiro took me off running for almost two weeks and did therapy on me, lucky for me I have only had one flare up since I had planters fasciitis. I was able to fix it by stretching and rolling out. It is always a worry in the back of my head that it is going to come back with a vengeance. I try to switch my shoes. I never run on the same pair of shoes two days in a row. 

My second injury came in December it was my knee. This one worried me a lot since my knee cap was coming off of my knee, it was being pushed up by the muscles. It was really gross looking. I was over working muscles and they were pulling on my knee in a weird direction. I learned the importance of cross training with this injury. Though running is fun you have to lift weights to balance out your muscles. I also learned that getting to fast too soon can cause injury. Overdoing it on the intervals can have a negative effect.

Each of my injuries have been pretty minor but they have taught me important lessons of stretching and rolling out and of cross training and weight lifting. 

My biggest fear is that I will get an injury that will take me out of running but as long as I stay on top of my body and listen that shouldn't happen.  

What is your worst injury? What do you do to counteract it from coming back? 

Day 6 - 30 Day Run Challenge

To you, what’s the hardest thing about running?

The first 2-3 miles!! When I start running those first few miles are so hard, my legs hurt and my body hurts, sometimes I can hear my body scream "JUST STOP NOW!". Honestly, I can pretty much find any excuse in the book to stop in those first few miles!! However, once I get through them I am good to go and love it!!

They say you learn to love running when you forget you are running. When I first started running my lungs burned so much it was hard for me to forget, but now I love lacing up the shoes and going!! I often forget I am running and I just enjoy it.

 

I also find injury sucks about running. I have never been majorly injured. I got planters fasciitis in May 2012 and recently I injured my knee back in November. When I feel a pain that I know isn't normal I usually go see my physio. I am so nervous about getting a bad injury. Cory usually takes me off running for about a week and does all this physio stuff and heals me up. That week can feel like an eternity because running really keeps me balanced and happy but I always say Cory knows best!!

I also find listening to my body when running is hard, maybe because I don't hear my body but more like I don't want to listen!! Before I got planters fasciitis and my knee injury I felt something wrong leading up to those points, but I brushed them off as nothing, even though deep down I knew they were something. As an athlete you really need to listen to your body and know when it wants you to stop. 

There is this old man, he is about 70 and he often runs the same trails as I do, one day I stopped and talked to him and I asked him how he is still running and he said he always listens to his body, he takes a rest day if needed, he doesn't push himself past his limits and he loves it. I think listen is key, your body will tell you when something is wrong. I am learning to listen more because I want to still be running when I am 70!!

A Constant Struggle

Once upon a time ago someone told me that you never ever really beat an eating disorder. I thought they were wrong or at least I hoped they were wrong. However, I have been finding out that maybe they were right.

This week has been really hard for me. I live to workout. I love the endorphin's that I get in my body when I workout and I love knowing that I am doing something good for my body. Not being able to run or do NTC this week has been really hard for me. I have thought about lifting weights with just my arms however, I am at a loss of what to do in the gym when it comes to just weight lifting and I think going to the gym just to life weights with no cardio is a waste of my time.

When I lifted in the past when I swam I had a trainer coaching me on what to do and helping me with form and this made it easy on me. Now I would be walking into the weights section of the gym and looking like a lost little girl, something I DO NOT want to do. I also struggle with my shoulders and I am scared to injure them again. That is all I need is an injured knee and injured shoulders.

Last night I had a doctor’s appointment and when we left I wasn’t really in the mood to make supper. Meho and I went to Co-op to pick up supper but as I walked around the grocery store looking for something quick and easy I got overwhelmed by all the food in the grocery store and I panicked. All I could think about was how this food was going to affect my body, was it going to turn to fat because I am not working out at the moment. I literally had a break down in the grocery store. Something I haven’t done in a very long time.

When things like this happen I realize that I am not over this issue and I may never be over this. I worry about having too much muscle on me. When I was in high school I built muscle pretty quick and the guys I hung out with would call me Arnold, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, by no means was I that big but hearing it from peers made me very self conscious. Sometimes when I think about how I want to look I think of looking like Allie Crandall rather than Hope Solo even though I know what body type is better I don’t want to be made fun of because I have muscle rather than looking feminine and dainty. Other times I want to strong, it is always such a constant internal struggle with myself.

I can’t wait to get back in the gym and hopefully I will hear a definite date today when I go in to the physio again.

Another Injury Setback

Remember that little injury I blogged about last yesterday?!?! Yeah, it is not the little injury like I thought.

Sunday I went to the gym and did an 8 mile run. Into my run I was starting to feel a pain in my left knee cap, but I thought nothing of it because seriously if I stopped every time I got a little bit of a pain I would always be stopping my workouts. I continued through, but that night I noticed that my knee was still sore and little pains I get from running never really last that long, but my biggest concern came that night when I was having trouble sleeping due to the pain in my knee.

Yesterday I went for a 5 mile run and things felt ok until I stopped running and all of a sudden the pain that was in the top of my knee cap was now on the interior side and bottom, at that point I knew something wasn't right.

I made an appointment with my physio. While sitting on his table I couldn’t get my to lay flat and my the top of my patella was popped up and over on the side of my knee. He iced it with some machine that made my knee vibrate and then he tapped my knee cap into place. It looks like I am back at the physio’s office.

I went home and cried for about 20 minutes after because he told me no running, jumping, lunging, or squatting for at least a week. That is what I do. I lunge, jump, run, squat in all my workouts. I took a moment to be sad and then wiped my tears and thought to myself you can modify your workouts. Instead of running you can elliptical, I would have biked but I am not allowed the motion of it can pop my knee cap. This morning I did NTC and instead of lunging I planked, and if I was supposed to do sumo squats with lateral rise I just did the rise but increased my weight.

Just because I have an injury it doesn’t mean I am going to give up! It just means I am going to have to push harder in different areas.

I know right now I have to keep my eating tight. I can’t slip at this point as I cannot workout as hard as I was. I am also trying to lower my calories right now. I currently eat 1,700 – 2,000 calories on average. I need to take that down to about 1,400 calories. It is really hard because my body doesn’t want to do that, it is used to eating a certain way, but until I am back in the running game I need to watch my food intake.

Better believe I am going to come back stronger than I was before. I always do.